Dear Friends,
I recently read a post on another blog that claimed the most common post on blogs was an apology/explanation for a lack of posts...
Well, ahem, yeah. Let's just say I've been going through a dark period. Nothing too serious. In fact, when I met people they told me how good I was looking and how well I seemed to be taking all of this. But I chose when and where I was seen and who I talked to. This venue is a little more public (I checked Google analytics and there's even someone in Poland following this blog. Go figure) and it just didn't feel right to either lay out what was going on in so public a forum or to write posts that weren't reflective of what was really going on.
So, what was the dark period about (now that I've got a little perspective)? I think it was reaching another level of truly accepting what is going on for me. The reactions from my chemo sessions are cumulative and it was starting to catch up with me. I now have neuropathy in both hands and sometimes in my feet. This means the tips of my fingers are always tingly and somewhat numb. I have difficulty holding things sometimes and it's often a challenge to open jars, tie knots, etc.. The worst part is that it really feels as if part of my body has died. This side effect usually goes away after chemo stops, but nothing is guaranteed and anyway, in the meantime, it is a constant reminder that I am ill. My digestion has also been off more often. And for someone who derives a lot of pleasure from eating, this is not fun. The fatigue was getting deeper and more frequent. I stopped shaving my head and didn't notice any change. And so with chemo four and five (of six), I was thrown into a funk.
And yet, I thought, who was I to complain? I've got a great group of friends and family supporting me, my prognosis is excellent, I've got a roof over my head, food on the table, a place to rest my head at night. But those things didn't seem to matter. I didn't feel well (I still don't), I wanted this to be over (I still do) and I was worried about the future (I still am). This was almost more depressing than anything else. I once had someone ask me, "Don't you EVER have a bad day?" I prided myself on being Mr. Sunshine. You know, walking on the sunny side of the street and all that. And there I was, unable to pull myself up by the bootstraps. Heck, I couldn't even feel my bootstraps (see above).
But tomorrow is chemo number six. The last of this series. While I am not looking forward to the inevitable drop in my well being that comes as a reaction to the drugs, I know that after this it's only going to get better and better. Nothing gives you hope like... hope. I've kept my prayer life active (although that as well has felt like a desert of late) and I have often thought of all of you and your prayers and good thoughts.
In closing this post I want to apologize to those of you who wrote over the last two months and didn't get a reply. It was not meant personally, but was just a major pulling back on my part. Enough said.
Blessings on you all.
