Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Slowly Sinking in Quicksand
That is how it feels. I received a message from the hematologist (oncologist?) this evening saying that the pathologist hasn't had time to do a full report on the second biopsy yet, but did confirm that the lymph node taken from my neck showed follicular lymphoma as well. She hopes to be able to give me more info tomorrow. In the meantime, it 's again 'wait and see what comes.'
They say that if you ever find yourself in quicksand the best strategy is to stop struggling, lie down and wait for help while trying to work your way to solid ground. Sounds good in theory. But the urge to struggle, to scream and shout, to thrash around, can be strong at times. I do find myself calmer than I think I should be. Although the feelings of worry and fear come up, I watch as they pass, seeing how ineffective it would be to hold on to them. Again the question arises "Yes, you have a more serious diagnosis than before*, but how does that effect your quality of life here and now?" Because here and now is all we really ever have. I sit here typing this and this is where I am. I imagine my family and friends (that is all of you, dear readers) hearing these words, and yet, right now, here I am. In a short while I will go to bed and in the morning arise and continue my life. The reality is I am just as alive now as I was two months ago. If anything, I've been feeling more alive lately, since what the future will bring is less certain.
So, on we go. Please remember, you may leave comments by clicking the pencil icon below this post (it's not so much that I'm looking for feedback, but I'm curious as to who is reading this). You can also click on the tabs above to subscribe so that you're alerted when I add a post (not that I think what I write is so gripping, but I feel guilty when I skip a few days and imagine you coming here only to find nothing new).
Blessing on you all.
*Through all this I have gone through the possibility of (not in any particular order): common cold, flu, strep, mono, fever of unknown origin, lung infection, heart infection, Q fever, Valley fever, Lupus, Lyme's, HIV, West Nile, and various and sundry bacterial infections. Thus the 'sinking in quicksand' feeling.
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Hey, wake up here. Try getting to 65 and not knowing wtf is going to hit you. A stroke, heart attack today, a car wreck, knocked off for a bag of potato chips? Talib, we ALL love you very much. What you hold on to is this life, we know it is hard to picture ourselves going, so don't. The love here and the love in the afterlife is best. If it seems to be most important to you here, then it can only get better. Going it alone is a myth. There will be many you love across the bridge. We worry more about your well being and good spirits that you emulate totally, everyday. We can't do you thinking for you, but human nature as it is you probably can't get away from the thought. Try looking for people on the web that have faced the questions of what to think about, that'll be a big help.
ReplyDeleteAn afterthought, you are blessed with being able to express this going on. If it were ant one of us reading here, we probably would keep it bottled up inside. Thank you for being who you are. We will remain with you through this, also God bless my sister Patricia, who it seems is strong as an ox, living with virtually no contact with her zany family.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I tell people what I'm going through, the common response when there isn't anything useful to say is, 'It is what it is.'
ReplyDeleteIn your case, it's been, 'What is it that it is?'
Hugs and love,
Patty
(the random generated word verification for posting is 'drounqua' how interesting.)
I imagine more read this and have as I have this feeling of what can I possibly say but that you are loved and cared about. But shouldn't we be told this all of our lives from everyone. I was speaking with one of my interns this week and she said to me that wouldn't it be something if our standard greeting was instead of how are you, to you are forgiven and loved. she didn't mean spiritually or religiously she meant on a gut physical level right here and now. I thought that wise beyond her years.
ReplyDeleteI go into surgery on the 17th of August, so my pre-op exam is on the 2nd. So I will be wallowing in my misery for a few weeks, uncommunicative and feeling sorry for myself. It is amazing to me I can be so petty, but I have had too much practice. My art mentee continues to grow and improve, I thank you for this by the way. Love and Joy Joe
Hey Talib,
ReplyDeleteYa looked good when I saw you Sunday. And yer right about the quicksand. You can shreak and wail, but it won't get you out. Having a plan and knowing how to go about it goes a heck of a long way. That, and a soul at peace. You've got a great outlook in life, Talib. One that rejoices in the simplest of pleasures, and lives each day as a pure blessing from God. I feel your spirit will be your greatest medicine in times like these.
When you get an open weekend, give a holler or zap me a note. I'll swing by, we'll talk about computers and such. And as always, keep up with the posts. Peace be with you. Love ya Talib
Talib,
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about now being all we really have. That's where everything is. Past and future are phantoms of the mind. Great wisdom you have to share. Thank you.
Al Lubanes
i don't have anything profound to say, just that the statistics say this is very treatable and has a 70% survival rate after 10 years. (and that likely goes up for you, talib, since you are probably generally healthier than the average patient.) so stay calm (you're good at that!) and save your strength for dealing with the chemo. and have fun at every moment you can!
ReplyDeletewe expect an updated photo after all the treatments, we're interested in that "bald" look/ good luck, bro!! my guess is that it was a tough day for you.10:58 PM 7/28/2010
ReplyDeleteAnd from my Life experiences with various diseases and traumas, a bit of shouting, screaming and thrashing about can be a cleansing event too. (just don't scare the Bunnies) Hide yourself in the Shadow of the Cross, Talib
ReplyDeleteHi Talib, nothing is ever really as bad as it seems. You know that I know...
ReplyDeleteListen to your body and soul and react accordingly. It does help to write, so let us know all about your new roommate, whenever you are in the mood. Prayers coming your way.
P.S.
Olivia will be needing all your support!
Grazia said...
ReplyDeleteHi Talib, nothing is ever really as bad as it seems. You know that I know...
Listen to your body and soul and react accordingly. It does help to write, so let us know all about your new roommate, whenever you are in the mood. Prayers coming your way.
P.S.
Olivia will be needing all your support!
1:07 PM
Hey Talib, from what Olivia said you had a busy day today. I pray you are rested and comfortable. Bless you, my brother.
ReplyDelete