Thanksgiving and a Woo-Hoo!

First the woo-hoo. I was standing in line at a grocery store yesterday, and suddenly it occured to me: I feel normal. My energy was about right for that time of the day, no stomach distress beyond a little hunger, my musclses didn't feel fatigued and, unless I had checked, I didn't feel any tingling or numbness in my fingers. There was no looming dread of some procedure on the horizon. I just felt... normal. I was standing in line to buy apple juice. Nothing else. So that is my first Thanksgiving for this year.

But the big one, the one I want to make sure you all hear, is for you. Our friends and family who have been carrying Olivia and me all these months, in your hearts and prayers. For all the times you inquired how it was going, or just thought of us, THANK YOU!

May your Thanksgiving be blessed with gratitude, freedom from want, and good health. And friends like you.

Blessings on you all.

Another Funny/True

Energy has been waxing and waning of late. Some days I get out and do a lot, some days it's work to get out of bed.

Test Post

I'm just testing a mobile blogging app on my iPod. Nothing new to report.

Back After a Break

Dear Friends,

I recently read a post on another blog that claimed the most common post on blogs was an apology/explanation for a lack of posts...

Well, ahem, yeah. Let's just say I've been going through a dark period. Nothing too serious. In fact, when I met people they told me how good I was looking and how well I seemed to be taking all of this. But I chose when and where I was seen and who I talked to. This venue is a little more public (I checked Google analytics and there's even someone in Poland following this blog. Go figure) and it just didn't feel right to either lay out what was going on in so public a forum or to write posts that weren't reflective of what was really going on.

So, what was the dark period about (now that I've got a little perspective)? I think it was reaching another level of truly accepting what is going on for me. The reactions from my chemo sessions are cumulative and it was starting to catch up with me. I now have neuropathy in both hands and sometimes in my feet. This means the tips of my fingers are always tingly and somewhat numb. I have difficulty holding things sometimes and it's often a challenge to open jars, tie knots, etc.. The worst part is that it really feels as if part of my body has died. This side effect usually goes away after chemo stops, but nothing is guaranteed and anyway, in the meantime, it is a constant reminder that I am ill. My digestion has also been off more often. And for someone who derives a lot of pleasure from eating, this is not fun. The fatigue was getting deeper and more frequent. I stopped shaving my head and didn't notice any change. And so with chemo four and five (of six), I was thrown into a funk.

And yet, I thought, who was I to complain? I've got a great group of friends and family supporting me, my prognosis is excellent, I've got a roof over my head, food on the table, a place to rest my head at night. But those things didn't seem to matter. I didn't feel well (I still don't), I wanted this to be over (I still do) and I was worried about the future (I still am). This was almost more depressing than anything else. I once had someone ask me, "Don't you EVER have a bad day?" I prided myself on being Mr. Sunshine. You know, walking on the sunny side of the street and all that. And there I was, unable to pull myself up by the bootstraps. Heck, I couldn't even feel my bootstraps (see above).

But tomorrow is chemo number six. The last of this series. While I am not looking forward to the inevitable drop in my well being that comes as a reaction to the drugs, I know that after this it's only going to get better and better. Nothing gives you hope like... hope. I've kept my prayer life active (although that as well has felt like a desert of late) and I have often thought of all of you and your prayers and good thoughts. 

In closing this post I want to apologize to those of you who wrote over the last two months and didn't get a reply. It was not meant personally, but was just a major pulling back on my part.  Enough said.

Blessings on you all.

There's a Cure for That...

It's called chemo.

This is from a web cartoon called Garfield minus Garfield. The author searches past Garfield cartoons and photoshops out all the characters except Jon. The results are often surprisingly good. Just Google "garfield minus garfield" if you want to see more.

From the site: 

Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb.

Blessings on you all.

Miracles, Public and Private

According to Wikipedia,  “A miracle is an unexpected event attributed to divine intervention.” It continues with, “A miracle is sometimes thought of as a perceptible interruption of the laws of nature. Others suggest that God may work with the laws of nature to perform what people perceive as miracles.” Although these definitions all contain qualifiers - “attributed to”, “thought of”, “perceive as,” I truly believe I have witnessed miracles in my life and the lives of those around me. I would like to share three stories of recent miracles in my life.

The first occurred just before I became ill. As some of you know, in May I was privileged to lead 19 eighth graders and three of the world’s kindest, most patient adults on a class trip to Santa Monica and Catalina Island. Although the trip was filled with what I call “minor miracles” (most of them dealing with the minors), the one I would like to relate happened upon my return. Due to scheduling challenges, our 25th wedding anniversary fell within the span of the trip. Luckily, my wife was one of the adults I mentioned earlier, so we were together for the anniversary. We were able to waltz together that night on the Santa Monica pier (to the music of a street performer who later appeared on this season’s “America’s Got Talent”!), and during dinner that night, I re-proposed to her. Afterwards, while the class was spending time on the beach, I removed my wedding ring and put it in a safe place so that I wouldn’t scratch it while playing in the sand. The next morning when I went to where I thought I had put it (I was wearing cargo pants and a coat at the time and had access to three bags, so there were easily two dozen places it might have been), I didn’t find it. Thinking I had misremembered where I put it, I got on with rounding everyone up to travel back to Sacramento, meanwhile checking other places as I had time. By the time we had returned, I was pretty sure I had checked everywhere it could be and still had not found it. But I was not worried, at my age losing things and then finding them is a weekly, if not daily occurrence. However, after a day at home I had checked every pocket, crevice, and container I could think of and still no ring. I finally gathered all of the clothes and bags together on my bed, spread them out and put my hand into each possible hiding place and wiggled it around. Nothing.  As I stared at the bed, I realized the ring was truly lost. The sense of loss was enormous. It was then that I closed my eyes and prayed. I don’t think I have ever prayed as fervently for anything in my life. I expressed my complete faith that even if the ring had fallen out of my pocket and was lying in the sand on the beach, God had the ability to bring it right back to me. I expressed that my desire for the ring was not for its monetary value, but for it as a symbol of my love for and marriage to Olivia that He had blessed. And finally, that if it be His will that I lose the ring, I would let go of it. When I opened my eyes, the ring was on the bed. In the center of the bed where I had just been staring in desperation a few minutes ago. Six inches away from any of the bags or clothes. Now, my rational mind wanted to believe that it fell out when I was shaking everything and I just didn’t notice. Yeah, right. I was LOOKING FOR IT. When I opened my eyes it wasn’t across the bed or tucked under something, it was right in front of me, away from everything else, in plain sight. I said a prayer of gratitude for this “perceptible interruption of the laws of nature” and put away my bags and clothes.

The next miracle I want to speak of happened (or more accurately, became evident to me) today. On Monday I received another ct/pet scan to check on my body’s response to the chemo therapy. As part of my 4th round of chemo today, I met with my oncologist where she gave me the good news that according to the scan, all evidence of the lymphoma was gone,  in what they call a “complete response” to the treatment. (In case you are wondering, even with this news, the current chemo treatments will continue for two more sessions and there may may be another year or two of maintenance treatments of a lesser amount.) Although I have been praying for this and statistically it only happens in about 30% of cases similar to mine, this was not the miracle I want to tell you about. That occurred after I returned home. As soon as I had the news I called Olivia and let her know. She immediately sent out a missive sharing our news. When I returned from chemo, I found my email box filled with responses and congratulations. Most were simply one or two words. The effect on my heart and spirit was definitely an “unexpected event attributed to divine intervention.” While I have been greatly aware how we have been carried in all of your hearts and prayers and thoughts, the response was overwhelming. Just seeing the word “Yay!!!” or variations on it brought me to tears. The miracle of friendship and love was manifestly evident. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

And the last miracle? Back when I first began this journey, I was driving to the doctor’s office when day, when I saw trees. I thought of them in all of their seasons. I thought of the beauty of them. What we receive from them. The lessons they teach us. I began to think of all of creation in this light. How could I have missed all of this going through my daily life? These are not miracles of  unexpected events or perceptible interruptions of the laws of nature. This is God working with the laws of nature to perform miracles. I pray now that I keep this awareness once this trial passes. May I continue to see the hand of God at work in all of His creation. May the blessings of family and friends continue to flow to me and through me to others. And may God bless you all.

One More Thing...

Some times it does feel like this, however.